On The Outside Looking In...

When you want to get pregnant but it ain't 'appening, eeeeeeeverybody in the world seems to be pregnant except for you. And I mean everybody. It isn't my imagination or a form of hysteria; I have been researching the problem and can now conclusively reveal to you a selection of the lucky bastards who are currently pregnant whilst I'm not. The following list is based entirely on fact, logic and rigid research.

People who are pregnant and I’m not: every other woman alive between the ages of 10 and 60 (but especially teenagers; heavily pregnant teenagers smoking and drinking WKD at the bus stop outside my window), men, centenarians, children, babies, foetuses in utero, child pageant contestants, Chelsea Pensioners, that Sikh marathon runner who’s, like, 93 or summink, eunuchs, hermaphrodites, angels, vampires, zombies, werewolfs, mermaids, fairies, pixies, elves, goblins, hobgoblins, sprites, selkies, ghosts, unicorns, trolls, The Loch Ness Moster, Cthulu, Godzooki, Scrappy Doo, The Singing Ringing Tree, Rameses II, Crystal Tips and Alistair, Parsley The Lion, Wilf Lunn, Noseybonk, Metal Mickey, Joe Dolce, Su Pollard, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, all the crows that Kiora is too orangey for, Ricky Tomlinson, Ronald Reagan, Suri Cruise, Noggin The Nog, Champion The Wonder Horse, Winston Churchill, the Smash aliens, Eamonn Holmes, RuPaul, Bouncer from Neighbours, Ralph Fiennes, The Flumps, Karen Carpenter, Bongo, Rory, Twanger but not Boots, Hume Cronyn, the aspidistra from The Adventure Game, Marti Feldman, Louis XIV, Princess Diana, Bryan Cant, Douglas Fairbanks Jr, Zeus, all the PG Tips chimps, the Jolly Green Giant, Gok Wan, Mrs Thatcher, Nono (the robot from Ulysses 31), the New Shmoo, Barbapapa, Babar The Elephant, Barbara Windsor, Barbara Cartland, Barbara Woodhouse, the Tourette’s one out of Battle of The Planets, Andrea Dworkin, Muriel Spark, Nigel Slater, Wee Jimmy Krankee, Jane Austen, the sausage from the old Grange hill credits, Beryl Reid, Barney Rubble, Willy Wonka, Tufty the road safety squirrel, Ron Jeremy, Myra Hindley, Gilgamesh, Dr Legg, Miss Haversham, Jimmy Corkhill, Chaucer, the Girl’s World head, Michael Palin, Simon Weston, Peter Sutcliffe, Bill Hicks, Evelyn Waugh, Richard Dawkins, Dizzee Rascal, the Andrex puppy, Barry Scott (rudimentary IVF via a hollowed-out Cillit Bang bottle), the Shake ‘n’ Vac woman, Lena Zavaroni, Rosa Parks, Penelope Keith, J R Hartley, Hufty from The Word, Trevor Mc Donald, the Staypuft Marshmallow Man, Ducky from Pretty in Pink, Dogtanian, the Terminator (all models), Portland Bill, Mrs Spoon, Heggarty Haggerty, Miffy, Meg and Mog, Grotbags, Vince Vaughn, Elizabeth Bennett, Gandalf, Winston Smith, Percy Bysse Shelley, Pac Man, Jesus, Hitler, Marie Curie, Eleanor of Acquitaine, Fred West, Betty White, Jim Henson, Emmeline Pankhurst, My Neighbour Totoro, My Neighbour Annoying 4am Techno Man, Roland Rat, Herbie, Big Ben, Mr Ben, Ben Nevis, Winnie The Pooh, Joey Deacon and Keith Chegwin.

To name but a few.